Description- Gloom

Standing near the window, I could feel the sense of abjectness, building up inside me. I was still shivering – half with cold and half with fear. The stretched nerves had become a part of my biological system. The hairs on my hand, stood on end. Why couldn’t I just be like a girl and wax them off? That way, at least they won’t give away my fear.

I looked up. The negro colored clouds were closing in and the falling drops made my welled up tears feel welcomed. Rains in Kerala were beautiful. And maybe they had been the reason, I was finally brought to a psychiatrist. I held on to the wet window bars and felt like I was in a jail. And was it not a Black hole? To be trapped inside yourself to this extent? Where all happiness, laughter, bliss was sucked into some black mass leaving me alone with tears. I looked at the water droplet forming on the bar – with rain around, it became huge and fell – not able to sustain the weight of the growing mass inside it. I let go of the tear globule forming inside me. I did not realise when he came and stood behind me. It was his hand on my shoulder that startled me. I turned around. Even he was crying. “Never give up. Remember, Be a phoenix”, he said.

Be happy..and feel it..

Few times in Life…you feel like flying… singing…You are happyand when you are..cherish it.. because there are some people…so unfortunate that they dont have the capability to feel the happiness…Some are into acute depression..and some plain blind to notice…some are medical sufferers…

Whatever the case maybe..I realise.. we take the capability of feeling the happiness so lightly.. it is taken for granted…God forbid a day arrives when we have all reasons to be happy…logically..but we are not able to recognise it.. or not able to feel it…

Be happy.. and when you are.. cherish it…

Surviving in Jail

Lots of time, you read these big books, where the author describes how it is to live in Jail. Well, after having a very near experience of 3 days myself,I do sympathize with those who are in there for whatever crime they have committed. I was in Jail for 3 days, for a crime, which I shouldn’t have committed.

But the wrong had been done and I was to face the music. I spent the night trying to stay calm, trying to calm down the impulse of just pulling out the IV (Intra Veinous) and running away.All night I was reprimanded for the crime and was shown how bad, filthy and disgusting creature I was. The only two people in the world, whom I loved back for loving me, were threatening to go away from me. At least one of them was.

It was hell (If there exists any on the Earth).All night amidst the apologies, with hands folded either virtually or actually, the night bade goodbye to the moon. The sun seemed to emit a new rebellious light in me. The reprimand on the second day was hit with a strong rebellious force and I screamed, “Eitherkeep me alive or shoot me dead. But dont keep me like this……..If I have to break..I will let you know”…I had given up completely. I did not know what to do and whom to go to. I had tried all I could to stop myself from committing that crime. I was like trying the same thing 24 * 7 into no count of how many months.

Last time I had promised, I wont rob, I didn’t even steal, but the intention was counted as one down and I had one last chance left. After fighting every single moment of the day for the whole week, I finally wanted to rob that Mr. X of his life. And that was enough. The fact that I had tried for 2 hours to control the impulse did not hold water. Nor did the fact that I had been fighting the same thing for months together and had declared that any moment I might give in. I knew I could do something dreadful. Where all a person could do in his or her capability had been done. Head banged, cell phones thrown, screams, howls and sobs had filled the place. But still the final act was not to be done. Even people were called up but no one picked up. This is not called justifying the act but justifying the efforts that had gone into preventing the act from happening. However, The result: I finally lost the 40 years of relationship.

The day after I cried, I howled, I screamed, to take me out of the jail, I tugged, pulled and made my inmate stand up. This person was nice. Neither did he resist nor did he give in. His peace of mind transcended to me and gradually, I was silent. I cried a lot the day he left. The pains still there. And he returning might not help. But this inmate did one very god thing while going, he asked the jailer to lessen one days punishment and the jailer consented for one nights less punishment. I couldn’t believe the news. I danced, I made merry, I thanked the blessed soul. Yes it was surviving in Jail….And your inmates can make or break the hopes of the survival….

Illusion

In these walks of life, you come across many people and you wish that there as a person whom you could call your own and who would help you in getting you out of troubles…Well I was the lucky one to have one such angel enter my simple life…

Such people do come across and by mistakenly you assume that they are yours….your friend.. your bother….your sister….etc….But when you have tightened your hold on them to the extent that they fit into the relationship, you realise they were not meant to be there at all in the first place.

The illusion breaks and all you find are broken pieces of glass. All the while you have been taking that illusion for granted. All the while, you have been treating them as a person in some or the other relationship with you. and when the truth dawns, it is nothing less than a heart break. Even if they would come to know about it, they have no answer, the sufferer is you and you alone. They get a clean chit by saying they were just hanging around helping and it was you who was foolish enough to hold the finger and play Ringa Ringa Roses assuming the problems would be taken care by your grandfather.

It is so very simple to let go of your problems or burden someone else once you start accepting that person as someone your own. you visualize that person day and night, you play, fight, tease,cry and even laugh with that person. Little do you realize that grandfathers are old. and they have to carry lesser

burdens. They might promise you to take the mountain off your shoulder and they might do a fabulous job of shifting the mole hill. But that doesn’t mean, you still go ahead and insist on them completing the job when you yourself can do the work.

Today, such a day has arrived and it pains no less. My first relationship with a promise to last for 40 years is at stake. The promise remains and so does the relationship but the essence is lost. There is no point getting angry on either party. I will hold both responsible. If I hold only myself responsible, I find myself too weak to take the blame and if I hold the other person responsible, the respect fit for that person is compromised, so I will contend to take the middle lane.

Only one advice to my readers (if any), if you ever get a helping hand, don’t mistake it that it is yours to keep for that hand has to go somewhere sooner……

……than you think

Many Lives, Many Masters

“Many Lives, Many Masters”, written by Dr. Brian Weiss, is a true story of a prominent psychiatrist, his young patient and the past-life therapy that changed both their lives.

One day, The author is visited by a lady who is scared about anything and everything. She can’t sleep at night and can’t face people in the day. She has already undergone 18 months of psychiatric treatment. The author tries the hypnotic treatment on her and finds the reasons for her fear from her subconsious mind. In the process, the lady introduces the author to the “Masters of life”. Following is a text from the book. It is the conversation between the author and the “Master”.

Question: How is it that you say all are equal, yet the obvious contradictions smack us in the face: inequalities in virtues, temperance’s, finances, rights, abilities and talents, intelligence, mathematical aptitude, ad infinitum?

Answer: It is as if a large piece of diamond were to be found inside each person. Picture a diamond a foot long. The diamond has a thousand faces, but the facets are covered with dirt and tar. It is the job of the soul to clean each facet until the surface is brilliant and can reflect a rainbow of colors.

Now, some have cleaned many facets and gleam brightly. Others have only managed to clean a few; they do not sparkle so. Yet, underneath the dirt, each person possesses within his or her breast a brilliant diamond with a thousand gleaming facets. When all the facets are cleaned and shining forth in a spectrum of lights, the diamond returns to the pure energy that it was originally. The lights remain. The diamond is perfect, not one flaw. The only differences among people are the number of facets cleaned. But each diamond is the same, and each is perfect. “

2 Bottles, 2 Hours, 6 Times, 6 Pills each…

Small, White, round… they were dropped in the red cap of the bottle. She took a second to remember that red had been her most favorite color since childhood. But its better she doesn’t think about it cos the associations with “red” changed long back for her.

She counted, recounted and then again recounted those 6 pills one more time. It was not that she was weak in counting, nor was it that she wanted to be sure of popping exactly 6 pills. On the contrary, she was considered to have good intelligence level and she was least bothered about the pills.

Every single time of those “6 times in a day”, she used to stare at the red cap with 6 pills and she used to pause and get lost. She would look at her life beyond, wonder where she has reached, where she has to go. She would remember how scared she was about anything and everything. Sometimes, she wished those pills would be the last of her and sometimes she was thankful she had them. She would wonder whether she will ever see darkness without reaching 85-87; whether the tickling inside would stop and whether she will ever be out of all this or embrace this forever.

She forced herself to stop thinking, popped the pills, replaced the red cap and popped “n” pills from the second bottle (where n ~ 6). She put the bottles in the transparent plastic bag, where they looked like drugs, serving as evidences, from a crime scene.

She looked around, ground being her favorite place now-a-days. She can’t remember when was the last time she faced a crowd without trying to shy away. Now she spends the time, looking down. She walks a lot, searching for something, wanting to be free.

She talks to “people” of her world. She is now trying to understand them, understand what they want. She is scared about what they will do to her. She is scared she will run into being a part of them. But she has accepted, she has to be a part of them. She is trying to accommodate in this new world of hers. Now she knows she will carry this world with her all the time, the way she carries those 2 bottles everywhere. She knows, its time, she gives up on hope.

Its 2 hours. Its’ time for the next dose of medicine. She stares into the red cap with 6 pills. Pauses and wonders. This time she is thankful they are there for her. She chuckles before she pops the pills into her mouth. Its’ weird living two lives, she wonders. “jo hoga dekha jayega” she thinks. Dons a new hope and starts walking again….

6 times a day, every 2 hours, the 2 Bottles, 6 Pills each promise her a new life. And on this promise, her life stands…..

A full circle?

They say Life is a full circle. I am not yet in a position to agree or disagree. But I would say, it might be true for most of the people. An incident which you an never forget, can come back into your life and take a favorable turn. Consider what happened to my friend the other day. He was haunted by one meeting. He claims that, that meeting was the most critical point of his earlier life. He changed after that meeting cos day and night, that meeting, the conclusion of it, won’t let him live. Till date, he hasn’t understood the meeting and the events that followed.

Just recently, he had the same meeting again. The people were different, the room was different. The topic was same. My friend sat there waiting for someone to point their fingers at him. He waited for the end of the meeting when he would be too stunned to speak. He waited, without belief and faith in truth. He waited even after the meeting not believing what had happened. Everything remained the same, just the conclusion changed. There were no fingers pointing at him. There were no accusations on him. People stood for him!! You might think, this dear friend of mine might have been very happy. That he would cry with joy. But look at the irony of life, the irony of the full circle. The friend has still lost trust. Again. He still waits for those people to come down, hunt him and point their fingers at him. I can say, the circle is complete for him, cos he will never come out of it.

Encounter with madness…

How many times have you come across madness? Its a wonderful thing when you are mad about attending that IPL premier, watching Steffi play Monica Seles in the Wimbeldon, making sure you put your ball through the hoop, getting into IIM’s, making it big in Life, seeing someone smile always….. It gives you life and it sets you free. Yet you are tied in your own madness and do as it dictates you to. But this very madness can be dark. Like true colors, they come out only to you. Sometimes they will tie you more than they will set you free and sometimes you are afraid of being set free.

Being in dark is never easy. Facing something which only you know is never easy. And no matter, how hard you try to tell anyone else, you will still be the only person to know those corners. Seeing a new face, every time you try to connect with yourself is never easy. You will wonder, always, whether it was actually you who did all the dark stuff. Its good that people cannot read others minds. I am glad when I can’t read my mind. Brings me back to the point – If I knew myself, I would run away. If being in dark is not easy, why do people still live in it? Everyone may have their own reasons for the same. Someone might want to take it as a challenge and face it and not fall weak, someone might want to once face it and not give in to it, someone might still be looking for the missing part in it, someone might just not know how to come out of it, someone might be torn into embracing it or leaving it. For those who spend a lot of their time in these dark corners, the corners become their home and then it is difficult to leave the home and step into light.